I was reading an article recently written by a man whose unmarried daughter called to tell her folks she was pregnant. It was not the news they were expecting. For me it was not the reflex I was expecting. Reading his words took me right back to that moment in 2013 when I was walking to my vehicle and my daughter phoned me from college. I was happy to see her name on the caller ID and then I immediately recognized something was wrong in her voice. It was a bright and sunny day. I had just come off the golf course. Just reading this man’s story I went right back to that very moment. It was and will always be a benchmark in my life. Today I want to share with you what was revealed to me in the subsequent weeks and months after I first heard the news.
In 2013 my wife and I were already grandparents. Our two oldest children were married and raising their own children. Being a grandparent is awesome for so many reasons. But for our youngest to conceive before marriage was not what we expected. She was the one who had the benefit of all the boxes being checked for risky behavior avoidance. She had mom and dad both at home. Private school where she had a good group of friends with positive influences. Our family was (and still are) attached and functioning in our local church. Service to the community. No alcohol in the home. We were metaphorically speaking a pamphlet for Focus on the Family.
While listening to her tell me she was pregnant I was able to keep my emotions in check so she knew I was still her first, best and safest place to come. Though punched in the gut with the news I assured her we would get through this. My wife did not fare so well in the beginning. I understood. I did not criticize her but rather reminded her we do not want our child to alienate herself in this critical time. Gradually acceptance had started to slide in. It was at the moment when acceptance had begun to appear that I noticed I was not doing well in my spirit. I did not understand until I got away with God to seek out what was happening. As it turned out God showed me I was grieving.
I was confused. What was there to grieve over? No one had died. Right? Wrong. It was not a person who had died but rather a vision. I had a long range vision of how our youngest daughter’s life would unfold. Not a micro managed vision mind you but rather a college commencement, an engagement, a wedding and then children for her and her husband. The vision had an order to it. Not just a sequential order but also a judicious and wise order. That vision died. I had to alter my expectations to align with reality.
So I walked through the grieving process step by step. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I truly have come to understand because acceptance had started to set in, it was this that gave me the uneasy feeling that caused me to examine and investigate what was happening. I was not allowing myself to go through the steps in order. I had to do a reset and start over.
As far as denial, I was not in a state where I was denying the truth of the circumstance I was denying the HOW. How could this happen when we did all the things we were told to do? The how became so big it seemed to take on characteristics like it was alive. I had to come to terms that even my daughter succumbed to temptation. Proverbs 22:6 told me “Direct your children onto the right path,and when they are older, they will not leave it.” I had to face the fact that a principle is not necessarily a promise and hanging onto one verse while not applying the rest of scripture is foolish. Our daughter sinned but that did not define her nor make her irredeemable.
This led me to face my anger. We did for our youngest what we were told would mitigate risky behavior. I was mad at the authors and columnists and devotional writers and pastors and small group leaders and syndicated radio preachers and…..do get the sense I was mad? I was mad at the how. Anger is my second strongest spiritual gift right behind sarcasm.
The bargaining did not last very long since I did not have a strong hand to play. The child was conceived and was coming.
Depression showed up because I know the challenge of being raised by a single parent. It was not until my wife and I had three children of our own that I really understood the sacrifice that my dear mother had made. I did not allow the depression to linger too long. It took God’s grace and hard work on my part to push through the depression. And then I circled back to the acceptance. The grieving process was not finished one and done but it was executed in a healthy way.
There are moments in life when you realize the road ahead is not the road you thought you were on. It happens. My hope is that those who read this can see that life, while difficult and with no guarantees, can still be filled with wonder and beauty. Neither I nor my wife nor our youngest daughter, who has shown herself to be a great mom, can picture life today without the baby born into our family. The unfortunate circumstances that led to her birth do not define her nor our family.
I recently heard my friend Wendy turn a phrase “embrace the symptoms”. I thought that was so profound and brilliant. Do not be timid about recognizing your challenges and uneasiness and taking it to the Lord to see what it’s all about. Be prepared to curb your expectations to align with reality. God has wired His creation so intricately with body, mind and spirit. This is akin to a three legged stool where if you pull out one of the legs the stool will fall over. Embrace the symptoms when your heart hurts so bad it makes you physically weak. “Don’t worry about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank Him for all He has done. If you do this, you will experience God’s peace which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.” PHILIPPIANS 4:6-7
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